I can’t say ‘no’ to myself. I just can’t.
I have a vivid imagination, and my energy is high. Couple that with a vision for the future that isn’t totally clear and the feeling (or tenacious hope) that I’ve always had the potential for “big things”, and I definitely can’t say ‘no’. To myself.
I take on too much, and I would say that I can’t say ‘no’.. because I’m too nice! But that’s not the case. I can say ‘no’, when it’s about something that simply doesn’t move me. But I’m awfully persuasive when a part of me wants something yet another part of me realizes that I just don’t have the time or energy anymore.
When a new opportunity arises, I envision myself up to my eyeballs in whatever it might be, living whatever life to which it might lead, and I like it. If I don’t, I’ll say ‘no’, to you. But if I fancy myself playing that part, I can’t say ‘no’ to myself.
“Self, please. Stop. We’re already stretched thin, and do you need another title? Another project?”
“Shut up, Self! We can do this. I mean, there are so many people out there doing so much more. There simply have to be. And am I not as good as those people?! I can do this; I’ll just.. I won’t make homemade bread anymore. We can just buy it from Whole Foods, right? What’s the big deal.”
“Self, no! Aren’t we going to be artisan bread bakers?! What is wrong with you? Only bougie soccer moms buy bread at Whole Foods. We make our bread.”
“You’re right, Self. You’re so right. I’ll keep making the bread. But let’s do this new project, too. OK BYE!”
And so it goes.
Or maybe I’m just a collector! A collector of things, of projects. Of potential futures. Of future characters.
I’m just an overachiever! No, wait. Overachievers tend to finish things, rather than carrying out the details, cooking six soups in one kitchen, hopping from one station to another. I feel like I’m driving eight cars at once. It’s totally possible, if you drive fifty feet, run back to the next car, drive it fifty feet, run back to the third car, drive it fifty feet, and so on.. You’ll get there, eventually. But it’s so much easier to just drive one hybrid SUV, tour bus, bright yellow school bus, singing “99 bottles of beer on the wall, 99 bottles of beer..”.
Maybe I just don’t know when to stop. I wouldn’t disagree if you said I have an addictive personality. That would explain the deep, deep wedding planning that becomes my life, until working on my startup is the alpha and the omega, the beginning and the end, the there-is-nothing-else-for-which-to-live, until developing our social media training products takes its place as el Capitán.
This ability to drop myself deeply into something provides a multitude of benefits, a competitive edge that can’t be beat. But when I’m deep down in that well of whatever-it-is, it’s hard to see the motivating, inspirational light of what is. Sure, I get everything done that needs to be done, and I do it well. But I still feel like I’d benefit from carving away everything and resting on my social media practice, waiting until, oh, I don’t know, Q3 to start planning the startup.
The annoying little voice in me immediately screams, “Startups wait for no one! Sleep less! You’ll be fine; I promise!”
This tendency prompted me to start a post, entitled “How to Do It All Without Going Insane”, but I got distracted by the vintage show and neglected to finish it.
I’d end this post with some personal realization and uplifting conclusion, but I’ve got nothing.
Not even a clever closing line.